this week has been really busy!
promos have ended and frankly i do not have high hopes on promoting haha,
but that doesnt bother me much for the time being because,
i believe if it really does come down to that,
it happens for a reason right. and i only have myself to blame for not studying properly.
perhaps it is just a turning point for me to do what i have always wanted to.
i do admit i was scared initially,
but right now im either blocking away those feelings or else i have just.. chosen to do something that makes me happy.
life's too short and unpredictable,
even if the outcome isnt what i wanted, i still do wish to experience the process and come out a better person.
nothing is certain for now though, let's just wait and see.
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damn exhausted right now and ever since promos ended,
i havent had a whole full day of time to myself at home.
everyday is really packed and i am exhausted just surviving on those few hours of sleep.
will really appreciate it if i get to wake up superrrr late just slack my way through and do whatever i want.
training becomes 3h per session next week onwards.
kinda scared.
and my leg is more screwed up than ever currently.
decided to just train with the pain i suppose.
cant be bothered anymore.
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possibly sometimes it gets too close for comfort,
so i respond violently to your gestures.
i dont ever mean to hurt you because after all you have always graced me with kind words,
and all i have in return is the occasional caring,
& this whole package of sarcasm and rubbish masking up my true intentions within, for you.
maybe because it gets scary when what youre doing actually feels safe,
and it definitely isnt a feeling i would want to rely on.
my subconsciousness doing its job.
too many doubts, and clouded thoughts are going at me from inside my mind,
and it isnt something exactly i need.
being at war with myself isnt welcomed too.
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life really gets meaningless when you dont look forward to anything.
there's nothing i long for to quickly happen,
and everyday becomes a mundane routine that i dread greatly.
living life this way goes against my philosophy( if i even have one hahaha),
because at the end of the day, happiness and contentment among many other factors mean a great deal to me.
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she turned around with those aglazed empty eyes, registering nothing.
eyes are the windows to your soul, she used to say.
if that aptly depicts it, then what anyone could see at that moment was a bottomless abyss through those lifeless eyes. they used to be so beautiful, and just seeing them become the state they are in now, tore at the seams of the heart, and leave an ache so bad it drives right into the hollow of the bones. it integrates into the system; it becomes part of a person. there is no way out.
" if you had a choice, would you rather be like intersecting lines, having met once, then rejoice in the good memories, be maimed by horrible memories, and thinking of all the what if's. or would you rather be like parallel lines, never meeting, not having to engage in related memories, but at the same time not experiencing the beauty of the person?"
she doesnt know, she has never known.
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shall sleep now really tired!! going to train hard yeah!
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