Give your heart a break

today is seriously a really bad day.
wait, no, bad is an understatement.
it is so bad that i dont feel anything now.
i suppose this is a first,
how one can feel so much,
yet feel nothing at all.

the day was supposedly rather okay, then things took a turn within less than an hour.
i chanced upon the most horrible news ever that really crushed me,
that i couldnt hold it in on my walk home.

honestly idk what to feel,
glad in this really sad way? or just dumb.
i am the stupidest person ever,
and i dont even know why this should hurt anymore.
it hurts so much, that i actually dont feel like i am hurting.
then it makes me doubt if i am actually even hurting.

and within the next few minutes i receive a freaking call that i have early sign in AGAIN,
what the heck seriously.
everything just crumbled man.
all those days i actually fought myself to go school on time,
while others go out/ come late/ stay home/ leave sch early,
because all the groups in my class dont have pw to do( everyday is just hours of pw now)
and stay till 5+ for training, with all the hours from 7+am-5pm doing practically nothing,
seems to have gone to waste.
all those times i told myself i cannot skip school even though it will be empty 10h of waiting for trg,
all those times i always try to reach school on time,
because i want a better discipline record,
because i want to change,
so i can advance, so i can be an ogl have a blast and make my life better.
and somehow from the only 3 times late that i remembered,
has somehow become 5 times? dont kid me.

i want to improve, so it doesnt matter if i push myself.
even though i get really exhausted and sleep is the only thing on my mind,
maybe others dont understand,
but is it really wrong to want to be better?

i guess you are the one who really...idk, made me feel like a fool?
made me feel so ridiculous, so stupid.
i just want to bash myself up now.

i really fail at everything.
i dont even know where to start from anymore.
even my first attempt to show that i care about my mum is like fail.
just not my kind of thing.

i am sorry for being a disappointment.
just let me stop here.