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honestly, it is 239am right now and i should at least be sleeping,
if not studying, considering that i am in the midst of promos.
but i dont even give a damn about it now.

it has been a really, really horrible week, made bearable by some factors.
but other than that then yes i really wonder if nights like this is comparable to the worst form of anguish,
because then i want to be a human with no feelings.
i guess i hope to mean every word i say as much as possible,
which explains why i have learnt not to give out my "i love you"s or what so easily,
because i hope to mean it when i express it.
i really want words that people say to come in the truest, sincerest form possible.
it would be extremely lovely if words are not easily tossed out,
but actually meant.

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people only wants to see your best side put forward,
because other than that it will possibly be a dead end for everything.
is that why facades exist? to please society? to make it more acceptable for others?
so we cant be sad?
it gets freaking tiring.
it is sometimes unbelievable to notice that sadness is actually in some form regarded as taboo.
because appearing sad seems to be an incentive for people to label you as some emo kid,
and someone to stay away from.
something that actually bonds us that way in the past, some sadistic sort of warped culture which existed among us, is now a daily battle.

it gets difficult to break down the barrier and show you a different side to me.
i dont know, it was so nerve wrecking i felt like i couldnt bear another second surviving that feeling.
and as soon after that, i am back to my usual self.

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they really matter alot to us, right?
that's the common thing between us.
we value them alot, alot. i dont know how to place the emphasis, but there you go.
so you knew how terrible i felt, and you listened.
i am thankful for that.
i didnt care then, i didnt care if my voice was like gross or breaking or what freaking shit,
because i just wanted to get it all out.
and i wanted to cry, but i didnt.
because you said i was a strong girl and ya i thought i could do it that way, be strong.
then after that, i am back to laughing.


you mentioned to me that you will tell me your past someday,
in a voice so soft.
somehow i know someday wouldnt come, yet i chose to believe you, in a way..
i didnt know what to say, so i whispered, oh...your past.
i asked if it is something you didnt like to talk about.
but you said no, it is actually something you are really glad that it happened.
that is so brave, my friend.

because i still face the demons of the past from time to time,
it is not exactly something i liked to think about.
i thought about all the hurt, pain and disappointments i must have brought to my close ones.
i get reminded about how much i hated suspense, because suspense meant things that will never happen,
things that probably hurt.
i hated feeling trapped, i hated having to choose, i hated having to hide.
i dont bring my past to the future, because in a way i am ashamed,
i am scared.
and that explains why i treasure them so much, too.

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because you see me in such a good light,
i dont know how to approach many things.
some things said, some things done,
should never have occurred at all.

it gave alot of warmth,
but it is not a constant that i need.
it makes me feel more foolish than ever,
because in my mind, this confusing comparison situation has arised.
and truth to be told, i hate it. i really do.
i hate not knowing who you are, because one moment i will be left alone,
and the other you will have your arm around my shoulder.

i knew i was going for the exact same vicious cycle yet i was dumb enough to dive into it.
but somehow the realisation has hit that-
youre never going to be as important as they are.
because i will never place your needs above theirs.
and you will never have the ability to heal me the way they do.

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it was all my fault.
i didnt mean to make you feel anymore unhappy.
that's what kills me the most.