Who Am I?

had a really fun day today!

colette came over to study

(not because we are kiasu muggers but because we really really need to for survival sake)

but i should correct myself,

attempted to study i mean(;

HAHA we did a bit of work but what we hope turns out to be productive is never the case..

did some work, then headed to the living room for brunch!

talked about gross disgusting guy stuff in front of my bro HAHAHA DAMN FUNNY.

then nahshon the douche who lied to me, about him misunderstanding his mum saying that he couldnt come,

ended up coming over.

HOW DARE YOU LIE TO ME STILL >:(

but anyway me, col, nahshon and my bro settled down at my table to do work.

please dont kill  me but i couldnt resist taking this shot:

it is like-

*in picture* nahshon step having swag teaching my bro all the pri school work

*in reality* he was asking my bro how to do his JC chinese HAHAHA

okay la but to give him credit he helped my bro alot for his science too...

"latent heat blah blah"

colette, my bro and i didnt get much work done cause we just sat there and helped nahshon configure every single chinese phrase of the passage using edic.

HAHAHAHA.

we snacked on hello panda, mamee and talked alot too.

anw somehow nahshon has managed to win my bro to nagabong side as he claims,

and my life sucks cause they gang up and bully me ):

sob. feel my pain.

welcome the #gamersforlife

nonstop halo-ing.

me and colette were just sitting there like,

sigh guys' thing.

HAHAHA.

then walked nahshon to the mrt and,

me, col and my bro proceeded to the bicycle shop to go cycling!

colette was gushing about the cute cats haha.

i was just scared they will come rushing at me..

the bicycle shop was about to close so we went back and played kinect instead!

crazy olympiad round almost died of exhaustion!!

anyway idk what to do with my bed tonight.

it has germs from all variety of sources... -.-

HAHAHAHA.

really thankful for this lovely day today!

thanks people(:

cant wait for monday with daphne: ice cream buffet!

long awaited man this has got to be an awesome weekend yay.

Strength

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. " -Audrey Hepburn

came across this quote when i was sourcing out relevant appropriate quotes for my GP essay haha.
and i think it is so absolutely wow.

this week has been terrible,
but i thought i would end the week on a positive note.
today has been lovely, with no particular reason why.
i do feel this invisible strength encompassing me, which source is still yet to be known.
i would like to think that perhaps it is my guardian angel blessing me (':
really thankful for it though, because i think it is time for me to get up on my feet again.

honestly my mood goes up and down so much that everytime i actually feel so damn happy again,
i do fear for when the next bout of sadness will strike me.
let's hope this time round it doesnt come.

this whole week has provided me with alot of opportunities to think through many things.
HAHAHA basically this year is enlightenment year la.
no matter what some may say, i do feel that i have changed alot..

i have become happier?
even though i still do get really sad sometimes, but it is a major improvement from the past.
and i have become more daring, higher, more crazy, open and all.
influences from my retarded friends i suppose(;

i have also learnt to become stronger, much much stronger, for my own sake.
and to do things for myself, if it makes me happier, then yes myself should always be the priority.
this may come across as selfish to some extents..
but i used to live for others, and right now because YOLO HAHAHA,
so oneself's happiness should always come first, except in some circumstances i guess.
do what makes you happy!
be with the people you want to hang out with, treasure every minute.

by this principle,
i have been making my choices.
i do fear offending others along the way or if they will think i am some bitch who doesnt know how to care about others,
but if i dont ever step out of the phase of wanting to please everyone,
i will miss out on the things and people who truly make me happier.

throughout this whole course,
i know my priorities will always be family, and friends who mean alot.
unfortunately studies and everything else come after that. haha.
everything i dream of means alot alot alot to me too, but i dont see how the importance of all those can possibly outweigh the importance of all these valuable people.

i owe alot to ewf in some absurd way too,
because i would never have gotten better if not for that place.
and to all the beautiful people in my life who do pray for me, and make me want to become a better person.
really <3 it (;

whatever happened this week,
i chose to keep majority of it to myself.
it is possibly rather insignificant a thing, though it hurt me alot,
but idk why it has landed me in a state of confusion on whether to think of it as important or not.
as for right now, it feels as though it has never happened,
yet there is this lingering afterthought of it.
weird, i know...
it hurts yet it doesnt, so i am beginning to question myself on my part too.

and i really really have no life, no joke.
cant rmb the last time i went for actual shopping.
with this mundane lifestyle,
i do remember to appreciate the little blessings that come my way from time to time,
and i feel over the moon over the simplest of things these days.
the world feels much more beautiful in some sense.

like watching my grandma exchange some words with the newspaper auntie makes me want to gush at their cuteness( HAHAHAHAHAHA), or how a simple meal with fun people can actually make my week just like that. or how laughing over photos of my mum's younger days and criticising her vanity can feel...pleasurable?
OKAY PERHAPS WRONG CHOICE OF WORD THERE HAHAHAH BUT CANT THINK RIGHT NOW.

the next two months are going to be really really hectic,
with everything that is coming up!
i just hope not everyday will be taken up by activities because i want my rest too );

may the week be good...

Give your heart a break

today is seriously a really bad day.
wait, no, bad is an understatement.
it is so bad that i dont feel anything now.
i suppose this is a first,
how one can feel so much,
yet feel nothing at all.

the day was supposedly rather okay, then things took a turn within less than an hour.
i chanced upon the most horrible news ever that really crushed me,
that i couldnt hold it in on my walk home.

honestly idk what to feel,
glad in this really sad way? or just dumb.
i am the stupidest person ever,
and i dont even know why this should hurt anymore.
it hurts so much, that i actually dont feel like i am hurting.
then it makes me doubt if i am actually even hurting.

and within the next few minutes i receive a freaking call that i have early sign in AGAIN,
what the heck seriously.
everything just crumbled man.
all those days i actually fought myself to go school on time,
while others go out/ come late/ stay home/ leave sch early,
because all the groups in my class dont have pw to do( everyday is just hours of pw now)
and stay till 5+ for training, with all the hours from 7+am-5pm doing practically nothing,
seems to have gone to waste.
all those times i told myself i cannot skip school even though it will be empty 10h of waiting for trg,
all those times i always try to reach school on time,
because i want a better discipline record,
because i want to change,
so i can advance, so i can be an ogl have a blast and make my life better.
and somehow from the only 3 times late that i remembered,
has somehow become 5 times? dont kid me.

i want to improve, so it doesnt matter if i push myself.
even though i get really exhausted and sleep is the only thing on my mind,
maybe others dont understand,
but is it really wrong to want to be better?

i guess you are the one who really...idk, made me feel like a fool?
made me feel so ridiculous, so stupid.
i just want to bash myself up now.

i really fail at everything.
i dont even know where to start from anymore.
even my first attempt to show that i care about my mum is like fail.
just not my kind of thing.

i am sorry for being a disappointment.
just let me stop here.

Soon

really like this picture from tumblr! so pretty (:

-

tomorrow marks the start of another dreadful week,
and honestly what is so scary about it is that this cycle repeats itself for... i dont know how long more.
it is like you dont want it so, so badly yet you find yourself rendered helpless
because if you just stop right there, do what you want,
what is going to happen? things dont just resume to its original position when youre good to go again.
time doesnt stop for anyone.

-

there are so many things i want to do.

have sleepovers where we can all cuddle up, watch movies, snack on rubbish, talk nonsense, laugh, be retarded, do girly stuff.
night cycling through the beach, and then to town and marvel at the beautiful skyline with the dazzling city lights.
go shopping at haji lane because i have never been there before, then settle down in a cafe somewhere and just do some catching up.
have this crazy food expedition.
have another similar prom-night-adventure, where we wander like hobos down the empty streets of town feeding reindeers, except maybe this time let's shout & go high in the middle of the roads.
travelling with my friends to all those pretty places we always see on tumblr, and take pictures even more stunning than those on tumblr simply because it consists of our very own memories.
and so many more crazy wild things i have always wanted to do,
because i am still young and when youre young you create all the wonderful memories to be reminsced when you are old.
i just want to think back in years down the road and laugh at all those crazy things to be checked on my list,
i want to do everything and go like- hey i really have no regrets anymore.

i really hope, we get to do everything we have set out to do after promos, all those plans we had.
and last but not least,
i really hope you are okay.
i will be here.

To the bones, the skin, the soul

this week has been really busy!
promos have ended and frankly i do not have high hopes on promoting haha,
but that doesnt bother me much for the time being because,
i believe if it really does come down to that,
it happens for a reason right. and i only have myself to blame for not studying properly.
perhaps it is just a turning point for me to do what i have always wanted to.
i do admit i was scared initially,
but right now im either blocking away those feelings or else i have just.. chosen to do something that makes me happy.
life's too short and unpredictable,
even if the outcome isnt what i wanted, i still do wish to experience the process and come out a better person.
nothing is certain for now though, let's just wait and see.

-

damn exhausted right now and ever since promos ended,
i havent had a whole full day of time to myself at home.
everyday is really packed and i am exhausted just surviving on those few hours of sleep.
will really appreciate it if i get to wake up superrrr late just slack my way through and do whatever i want.

training becomes 3h per session next week onwards.
kinda scared.
and my leg is more screwed up than ever currently.
decided to just train with the pain i suppose.
cant be bothered anymore.

-

possibly sometimes it gets too close for comfort,
so i respond violently to your gestures.
i dont ever mean to hurt you because after all you have always graced me with kind words,
and all i have in return is the occasional caring,
& this whole package of sarcasm and rubbish masking up my true intentions within, for you.
maybe because it gets scary when what youre doing actually feels safe,
and it definitely isnt a feeling i would want to rely on.
my subconsciousness doing its job.
too many doubts, and clouded thoughts are going at me from inside my mind,
and it isnt something exactly i need.
being at war with myself isnt welcomed too.

-

life really gets meaningless when you dont look forward to anything.
there's nothing i long for to quickly happen,
and everyday becomes a mundane routine that i dread greatly.
living life this way goes against my philosophy( if i even have one hahaha),
because at the end of the day, happiness and contentment among many other factors mean a great deal to me.

-

she turned around with those aglazed empty eyes, registering nothing.

eyes are the windows to your soul, she used to say.

if that aptly depicts it, then what anyone could see at that moment was a bottomless abyss through those lifeless eyes. they used to be so beautiful, and just seeing them become the state they are in now, tore at the seams of the heart, and leave an ache so bad it drives right into the hollow of the bones. it integrates into the system; it becomes part of a person. there is no way out.

" if you had a choice, would you rather be like intersecting lines, having met once, then rejoice in the good memories, be maimed by horrible memories, and thinking of all the what if's. or would you rather be like parallel lines, never meeting, not having to engage in related memories, but at the same time not experiencing the beauty of the person?"

she doesnt know, she has never known.

-

shall sleep now really tired!! going to train hard yeah!