Emotion-ful weekend

There is GP exam on monday and because i feel guilty for not studying,
i decided to blog instead.
i mean come on! blogging is about english too!
my english improved because i blogged back then/ read your blog.
plus you used really good english to mar me with your words so
they pretty much were engraved in my memory.
and i ironically used them in my compos. HAHA.
so.. thank you to you?

anyway i know people hate reading wordy posts i hate them too,
but this post is going to be really... emotionful HAHA.
get ready for the rollercoaster ride because im going to sound like a siao zhabor on moodswing.

anw on whatsapp just now i was telling huixuan that i am going to blog= talk to myself.
but i will always end up sounding emo/retarded.
and she asked what other choices do i actually have HAHA.
i answered "a choice to sound normal!"
but to be truthful...

I DONT KNOW HOW TO SOUND NORMAL HAHAHA.

anyway here's a snippet of babyk and mine convo together:

kris: " HAHAHA M3XXXZZZ TOO :'< what to doo"

me: "KISS ME" (tbh idk how i ended up typing that HAHA)

kris: " control yourself TSK HAHAHA"

me: " HAHAHAHA KISS ME BABY KISS ME HHAHAHAHA"

kris: " EH JIAXIN WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO ME WHEN WE GET MARRIED. I'M QUITE SCARED NOW HAHAHA"

me: " having regrets..? ): dont worry darling im too innocent to do anything to you!! HAHA"

kris: " HAHAHA JIAXIN DO YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF INNOCENT?!?!( if you dont just look at me) HAHAHA"

me: " .....DID YOU JUST SAY THAT? no i should be the one being scared. apparently my "innocent" fiancee looks like a wild cat. MEOW"

kris: " HAHAAHHA Whoa wild cat? oh man, i'm so sexy(; HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

me: " knock knock. who's there? PLEASE GET OUT OF MY FIANCEE'S BODY"

kris: " HAHAHA YOU SAID IT WHAT HAHAHAHA :'< I mean i never thought about it before you mentioned.. :O HAHAHA"

me: ".... You didnt know you were a sexy beast?!"

kris: " HAHAHA not until now :O"

me: " oh manz. what have you been doing all your life! i mean..shouldnt you be ripping all the pole dancers of their jobs already? HAHAHA"

kris: " HAHAHA WTS JIAXIN. oh my i guess it just never occurred to me how sexy i truly am! but youre right.. i shouldnt be selfish and keep this gift all to myself. HAHAHA. wow my fiancee is so clever <3<3:O"

disclaimer: number of "HAHAHA" significantly reduced for the pleasure of viewing. HAHAHA.

so yes you have just wasted a minute reading our nonsense HAHA.

but this honeypie so sweet.

joshua and her were having a convo through me.

joshua was saying something like:

" i am nowhere as crazy and noisy as the girl who uses this phone la :D"

" HAHA that's my fiancee you're talking about :)"

"yes that is and she is the total opposite of flawless...(etc etc)"

"HAHA heyhey she's beyond flawlessss<3(etc) who's joshua?"

" (etc) hmm the hot guy you saw on sunday evening walking along telok kurau?"

" HAHAHA yeah(: HMM hot guy? the only hot guy i see is jiaxin(; HAHAHA"

then after that joshua cannot tank our sismance alr.

and when i said her texts were so sweet,

she replied " hahahah hey sweetie<3 it's just the truth(: "

GOSH JUST MARRY ME NOW. HAHAHA.

-

anyway for the past few days, it seems like my memory floodgate was pushed wide open,

and nothing could resist or deny all the images from taking its place in my mind.

next up, a flashback to about a month back when you mention how people say what they dont mean.

and i find myself wondering whether you act by what you preach.

do you even mean everything you have said?

all those perfect ideals of yours,

are those just a fantasy offered to me, or just the flawless you?

i have always seen myself as incapable of loving romantically.

as in, i can like someone.

but i wont be able to proclaim that i can ever love the person after that.

because seriously, what is love?

at that young age, everything you gave me was a foreign gift to me.

and like a curious kid,

i embraced this packaging without ever pausing to think that whatever is inside could devastate.

it was a gift, something happy, why would it right?

so i stumbled along the way, and when i really got to revealing the secret behind this gift,

it left me feeling empty to the core.

i wont say it destroyed me, because i got stronger after that.

but it did hurt, and i guess i am never good as new again.

if i didnt love, yet i could hurt that bad, then what would it be like if i loved?

i didnt know how to explain it at that time,

this feeling of not thinking youre my whole world like how you felt i was to you,

yet at the same time knowing you meant a whole lot to me.

i didnt know then, i still dont know now.

it sucks to feel like this really confused mess who cant figure out her own feelings,

because who else can?

i dont ever want to think of myself as someone who gets bored after i obtain whatever i want,

because even though i dont dare to bravely affirm that i know how to love,

but perhaps someone truly special will be the one to change that.

flashback to now, you mentioned that i shouldnt be embarrassed by my past,

because it made me stronger, cheerful, happier etc.

that it is okay to be sad, as long as i pick myself up quickly after that.

you only knew the school life aspect of it, and i guess i could only bear to tell you that part.

you were more of a badass than me i guess,

but somehow we are both not ashamed of the past.

and maybe that is why we are such strong-willed people.

because we experienced, learnt, got better.

we are not vulnerable, overly-protected children who dont know anything.

we had a rough patch, and because of this imperfection,

everything is so much more beautiful because of it.

yk how sometimes the most perfect things on earth are nothing compared to the beautiful little imperfections?

i believe so.

-

i have seen friends all around me disintegrate because of love.

sometimes i can still feel that physical ache there when i see the hurt in their eyes.

there are times they worsen to a point whereby i dont think i will ever get them back.

you see them scrambling, trying to get a stable grip on life.

but it is just an empty shell at the end of the day, the old them was long gone.

i got myself back in the end.

and i dont think i will ruin myself because of you now.

because seriously you know,

i see no need for you in my life.

if i actually meant something, you would be the one doing the chasing.

-

hahaha if people asks for my url, i actually will ignore that part.

because...... I SHY. *blush*

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

no la really.

it feels weird to invite someone to a platform where all your inner feelings are being displayed in plain view.

i really appreciate that friends read my longass posts though HAHA,

because i doubt anyone else will be bothered to be entertained by me hehe.

but when i blog it is basically like talking so it ends up as ranting out everything in one shot to myself here.

so dont ever read my blog in front of me HAHAHAHA i think i will be like

" walao bu yao la i shy" HAHA,

as i will see the nonsense i "say" while "talking to myself in my brain"(aka blogging).

and i guess that's why it was so difficult to accept that my parents were stalking my blog last time!!!!

eeeeeps.

damn awkward sia knowing that they know everything i was feeling.

which explains why i stopped.

and i hope i dont have to stop again.