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honestly, it is 239am right now and i should at least be sleeping,
if not studying, considering that i am in the midst of promos.
but i dont even give a damn about it now.

it has been a really, really horrible week, made bearable by some factors.
but other than that then yes i really wonder if nights like this is comparable to the worst form of anguish,
because then i want to be a human with no feelings.
i guess i hope to mean every word i say as much as possible,
which explains why i have learnt not to give out my "i love you"s or what so easily,
because i hope to mean it when i express it.
i really want words that people say to come in the truest, sincerest form possible.
it would be extremely lovely if words are not easily tossed out,
but actually meant.

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people only wants to see your best side put forward,
because other than that it will possibly be a dead end for everything.
is that why facades exist? to please society? to make it more acceptable for others?
so we cant be sad?
it gets freaking tiring.
it is sometimes unbelievable to notice that sadness is actually in some form regarded as taboo.
because appearing sad seems to be an incentive for people to label you as some emo kid,
and someone to stay away from.
something that actually bonds us that way in the past, some sadistic sort of warped culture which existed among us, is now a daily battle.

it gets difficult to break down the barrier and show you a different side to me.
i dont know, it was so nerve wrecking i felt like i couldnt bear another second surviving that feeling.
and as soon after that, i am back to my usual self.

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they really matter alot to us, right?
that's the common thing between us.
we value them alot, alot. i dont know how to place the emphasis, but there you go.
so you knew how terrible i felt, and you listened.
i am thankful for that.
i didnt care then, i didnt care if my voice was like gross or breaking or what freaking shit,
because i just wanted to get it all out.
and i wanted to cry, but i didnt.
because you said i was a strong girl and ya i thought i could do it that way, be strong.
then after that, i am back to laughing.


you mentioned to me that you will tell me your past someday,
in a voice so soft.
somehow i know someday wouldnt come, yet i chose to believe you, in a way..
i didnt know what to say, so i whispered, oh...your past.
i asked if it is something you didnt like to talk about.
but you said no, it is actually something you are really glad that it happened.
that is so brave, my friend.

because i still face the demons of the past from time to time,
it is not exactly something i liked to think about.
i thought about all the hurt, pain and disappointments i must have brought to my close ones.
i get reminded about how much i hated suspense, because suspense meant things that will never happen,
things that probably hurt.
i hated feeling trapped, i hated having to choose, i hated having to hide.
i dont bring my past to the future, because in a way i am ashamed,
i am scared.
and that explains why i treasure them so much, too.

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because you see me in such a good light,
i dont know how to approach many things.
some things said, some things done,
should never have occurred at all.

it gave alot of warmth,
but it is not a constant that i need.
it makes me feel more foolish than ever,
because in my mind, this confusing comparison situation has arised.
and truth to be told, i hate it. i really do.
i hate not knowing who you are, because one moment i will be left alone,
and the other you will have your arm around my shoulder.

i knew i was going for the exact same vicious cycle yet i was dumb enough to dive into it.
but somehow the realisation has hit that-
youre never going to be as important as they are.
because i will never place your needs above theirs.
and you will never have the ability to heal me the way they do.

-

it was all my fault.
i didnt mean to make you feel anymore unhappy.
that's what kills me the most.

ON A HIGH

hi dead blog is dead. HAHAHA.
okay im damn high now.
having a freaking hilarious WA clique convo.
and yk when im high i talk lots of rubbish right?

so ya im currently talking alot of crap and being self amused and being full of love for myself
and thinking im so funny. HAHAHA and i am not even kidding.
HAHAHAHA.

just typed out this whole long marriage vow and....IT BECAME A COW.
moo.
daph owns a cute baby manufacturing factory.
and she posted pictures of cute babies.
so i told her to duplicate me :D since i am the best and cute.
which instigated me to go on and post cute younger pictures of myself HAHA.
daph and kris believes im not wearing bottoms in this photo( but it is a dress!!)

and that im slutty since young till now HAHAHAHA BECAUSE I AM A FLIRT NOW.
but funny that i flirt with girls.
kristin i dont flirt anymore after being engaged!!
believe meeeeee *pouts* *puppy eyes*
oh come on i am so innocent just look at me! forever and always

but anyway i am supposed to be here to post about serious stuff that i have been having on my mind
and obviously im not in the mood to do so, so tadahhh forget it.
am really supposed to be studying right now.
have a feeling i will regret sounding retarded and drunk here but,
i am really drunk!! on water that is.
HAHAHA. water makes you drunk you know!!
okay byeee.

Many sober girls playing slenderman

yst was absolutely a wonderful day,
with the morning being spent at marina barrage w the class surprising junsheng (HAPPY BIRTHDAY GAYBOY!), kiteflying and the sun being ridiculously hot,
and the rest of the day spent raya-ing at maya's house!

my girls were all so prettyyy aw.
and considering that we didnt manage to load it last friday,
we played slenderman yesterday! With around 9 or 10 of us. HAHAHA DAMN FUNNY.

filzah and colette started playing first.
and....we didnt know how to turn.

" let's google how to turn"
- no results on it-
colette: " i think everyone else knows how to play this game except us!"

so after a few frustrated minutes of not knowing how to turn and as a result not being able to walk properly,
filzah: " UGHHH HOW TO TURN!"
- fingers accidentally touches a button on the keypad-
and.... WE TURNED. WE. FINALLY. TURNED.
HAHAHAHA.
everyone was hi five-ing, cheering with great joy as if our lives really depended on it HAHAHA.

basically after that it was like
"TURN LEFT"
"TURN RIGHT"
" RUN RUN RUN FASTER RUN"
" AHHHH WE ARE AT A DEAD END TURN AROUND TURN AROUND GET OUT NOW!!!"
" I HEAR THE DRUMS"
" WHAT DRUMS WE DONT HEAR IT!!"
" IT'S THE CHAIR GUYS IT'S THE CHAIR"
" FENCE FENCE TURN AROUND!"
-screen goes fuzzy-
" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"AHHHHHHHHHH"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
" I SEE HIM"
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
"SLENDERMAN"

HAHAHAHAHA.

daphne and i were making alot of funny comments throughout which i cant remember,
and such a pity because it was practically laugh die us!!
so the first round with col+filz, we collected 2 pages, and we were so immensely proud of ourselves HAHA.

next, me and daph played!
the experience of playing and watching others play is totally different please!
the moment you sit in front of the screen with your hands on the keypad,
this unknown slenderman fear gets to you HAHA.

me(while waiting for the game to load): "guys i am scared"
filzah: " jiaxin you havent even started playing"


and... me & daphne got the first page in less than a minute!!
yayyy. and i made an amazing discovery that i cant turn when the flashlight is on and walking at the same time, but i can turn when the flashlight is off! i was like, whoa. HAHA.
so i think slenderman found us a threat, because normally he starts scaring people only aft they found 2 pages.
BUT HE KEPT APPEARING AFT OUR FIRST PAGE!
we must either be too efficient,
or else we are too jinxed and well always attract such stuff.
i think it is the later.

so every time the screen goes fuzzy,
girls being girls, we scream our heads off.
and girls being girls, we tilt our head away and hands off the keypad to scream.
and girls being girls, we forget to 'run' just to scream.
HAHAHAHA.
and girls being girls, we suddenly remember we are playing the game and cont pressing the buttons, with our heads still tilted away that is.

" RUN RUN RUN RUN"
-press buttons furiously- " WE ARE RUNNING WE ARE ALREADY RUNNING!"
" NO. LOOK AT WHERE YOU ARE RUNNING TO!"
" GUYS YOU ALL ARE RUNNING INTO THE FREAKING FENCE"
-continue pressing the buttons furiously while looking up- "OOPS"
-slenderman appears-
-room erupts into screams-

okay so me and daph's turn ends up the scariest omg.
and dont ask me why but i noticed that slenderman has a nose HAHAHAHA.

i remember there was one round:
" sigh this is so boring"
- slenderman immediately appears-
so we concluded that everytime we say it is boring he appears.

that's why for the subsequent rounds when things get too monotonous,
everyone was like
" BORINGGGGGGGGGGG"
" SLENDERMAN THIS IS DAMN BORING"

HAHAHAHA.
i seriously think we should have videoed the whole freaking process down or something,
everyone else will die laughing while watching us HAHAHA WE ARE THE JOKE MAN!
the hilarious things we comment, camwhoring while playing and all HAHAHAHA.

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when dreams haunt you on a greater magnitude than nightmares,
that's when it gets scary.

-

sometimes i reckon you all as angels, sent down with a mission to save me.
and i will admit that the job is always completed splendidly.
so thank you,
for being there, through the good and the bad,
through the thick and the thin,
through the glam and the unglam,
through the beautiful and the ugly.

thank you for never judging me, accepting everything wholeheartedly in ways i know others never will.
for all the love, care, laughs and happiness.
i do get angry with myself,
whenever i feel lonely or whatever shit,
because if i am blessed with such people,
what more can i ask for?

sometimes i really wish i could give so much more than i have received,
but how is that possible,
when i have received too much?
nevertheless i will continue to give,
always x

I wish.

if only we can have our fairytale adventure all the time.

it would be perfect <3

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tk, parkway,

a long bus ride to maya's house with everyone sleeping,

lazing on maya's bed,

watching 7 drunk guys playing slenderman and laughing till i lost my voice,

more laughing,

camwhoring.

beautiful.